frustration and impatience aren't things I'm proud of.

Yesterday was just a weird day...or a day with a weird beginning.

I woke up and I couldn't get the events of the night before out of my head. I was thinking about the Bible study we have here at my apartment every wednesday night for our International friends.

The night before I had felt such victory, just at the discussion we had been having, the seeking of truth, the respect and mutual love that was being shared by everyone participating. None of us were trying to one up anyone else. We had lots of questions, and way fewer answers, but that's beautiful these days. Being able to simply say...this is what I believe, this is who I trust, this is why, and this is all the stuff I'm still unsure of too. That's one of the greatest freedoms to me at this point.

So I was totally baffled when i woke up the very next day, feeling completely defeated and annoyed. Why was it that my friends are seeking truth and they haven't found yet? I felt so impatient...why is it that You say "Seek with all your heart and you will find me" "and I'm knocking at the door waiting for you to answer". It seems that when my friend says "well I just don't know if I can believe in God now, it's not that I don't want to, but I wish I had been born with this knowledge that God was real, then i wouldn't have to be stuck here not knowing if i believe"...it seems those are the words and the character of a man who is truly seeking truth. Especially if you know him and you realize 80 percent of his conversations seem to be monopolized by the topic of God and religion these days, I'd say he's seeking pretty hard.

In the deepest part of my heart I know the answer is that He is God and I am not. I know that His timing is perfect and He is creating a masterpiece in front of me, but I am too dull to even see it.

I wrote a lot more but it got deleted...it wasn't meant to be i suppose, at least that's how i'm going to play it.

Is this the calm before a storm?

Today,
I just felt so at peace. I woke up this morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. It was only like 7:40, but recently I've been waking up so early no matter how late I get to sleep. I wasn't stressed out, even though the big video shoot was today. I had so much on my mind, but it all seemed to be prioritized correctly. I thought, "okay today is going to be crazy, but the time to worry about that will come later, first I need to spend time with my One great love, and go to church and listen closely, and He will put everything into place.

Every time I feel this unusual calmness though I wonder...Is this the calm before the storm. It seems the only way I grow is through hard times. Whether that is because of stubbornness or just because that is the way it is with the human race...I don't know.

I started reading 1 Samuel. Remembering how Samuel heard the Lord's voice as a little boy. It said he didn't know the Lord and the first 2 times He heard him calling him, he didn't know it was the Lord, he thought it was his master Eli, just a man. When he realized it was the Lord, I suppose he couldn't deny the things he was being told and how clearly they were being told (Especially if they were so clear that he literally thought it was just the person in the next room calling him). So...he spent his whole childhood serving in the temple...and only when God point blank was speaking to him, did he figure out who God was. This is pretty amazing as far as asking God to speak to me and trusting that He pursues us so we will know Him even when we are oblivious to it.

Samuel was also "consecrated" or promised to God. He was given as a servant to God. He had no choice in the matter. I found out that my name "Elisabeth" or "Lisa" means "consecrated" or "devoted to God". I always thought it just meant "God is oath" which is a lot harder to understand. Knowing it means devoted to God, got me looking at my tatoo "The Lord's" today and I had gotten it before I knew that was the meaning of my name. Pretty fitting. Maybe I too was consecrated to God long before I knew Him. It's beautiful. I used to think God had no say over my life. Used to fight the idea that He wanted to take it from me and make all my decisions. Now I give it freely. I try to always count the cost of my words...I'll give anything for Him. He can have it all. Even if I am left with nothing in the words eyes, His love for me will count for more than all the riches of the world. Even if the situation were as bad as could be, His love could fill all the cracks, and I could be whole-er and more joyful than any millionaire or love-sick couple in the world.



So today, as I regain energy and clarity in my rest, I will be prepared for the next thing. No matter where You take me. No matter where I end up, even if it doesn't feel like it then, You are my Rest.. You are my repose.

Lose yourself completely

For me, it is so good, that it’s okay to not be okay.
I am so tired of being strong, and so tired of thinking patience and silence is a solution to a problem. I don’t think patience will fix anything, I think something may get better over time, but patience may not have been the key to the solution…. maybe nothing was the key, nothing but the time it took to bring them to a point of a desperate plea for change.

I’m holding on to one person, not Jesus, but a human, an imperfect, broken human. I gave Scott up for Him, for Jesus, so how can I think I will get away with putting someone before Him this time either.

I won’t settle.

I could, but I won’t. I’d rather be alone and free to serve my King, than in bondage to what the world thinks is fulfillment. And I know this, but that doesn’t change the expectation of good things. Several times a week, if not several times a day, I promise…”God, if you will fill me and satisfy me then I will be whole, even if I am called to be alone with you forever, that is enough for me as long as you give me You.”…but that doesn’t keep my heart from expecting, that doesn’t keep my mind from wondering, “who will be the one I’m blessed to serve the Lord with?”

This is craziness. This statement of fulfillment, but lack of action to back it up is insane. I’m not out running to every guy to test and see if he’s the one prepared for me, at least I don’t think…. But maybe that is exactly what I’m thinking.

I’m so tired of thinking…well he’s pretty great, and he has this or that, but he’s not quite there, so if it’s him, I guess I can just pray that God will make him stronger and then he’ll be right.

I’ve been hurt, but mostly I’ve been the one who hurts others before. I don’t know if you can say that I’m too strong, but I refuse to be mistreated, and I refuse to settle, and I refuse to think that imperfect love is what we’re meant for.

My savior, my rescuer, I trust Him, and that is why I won’t settle.

No one will ever be perfect; I will never be perfect…but I’m so done with waiting.

I want my prayers to be pure. I want to long for people to know God more, not so they can be with me, but so they can be whole, and need less of me or anyone else than ever before.

So, my cry once more, I’m sure I’ve cried this before, but we are a people who love to repeat history until we finally break the cycle.

My cry is that I will stop waiting, stop wasting time looking off at the horizon, be bare of expectation, and simply to >find all I need in the sun on my face,

and the love I can be taking in every moment, just because,

He loves me just because.

I was reading in this book last night, that brokenness, is healing. It said that openly broken people bring the ability for those around them to be broken, and to be weak and messed up.

So, I hope I can begin to be beautifully broken. I know that I am, but I try to fix myself up when I’m too broken, and I feel like things are fake if I’m not partially broken. But I just want to be what I am. I don’t know what that will look like moment by moment.

I know that I don’t have the answers… I had two or three long talks with people today where I was able to share the gospel in some way or another…and instead of fearfully trying to force my beliefs down someone’s throat so they wouldn’t go to Hell, I just thought, man it’s all in Your hands God. I prayed more for them when I left them, “God I know that you are real, so please give them a desire for truth and reveal yourself to them.” I am truly and beautifully incapable of doing anything to persuade people of His existence or love. Instead of trying to “save” them, I was able to remind my friends…that

we are all broken, and crazy, and weird, and seeking love like beggars for food.

I found that it was more important to just admit that great love does not come from human relationships, but human relationships are just a reflection of the one great love. I was able to say,… I really have no idea about plenty of things….I don’t know if ghosts or aliens are real, I don’t know what you need to do, I don’t know if giving money to African Children is the most important thing. I am ignorant, and I just don’t know. But I know love, I know what it is to experience peace and stillness in the midst of a world that is afraid to stop long enough to think, and I know we must seek the truth, and I know we must do what we can. I know that we will fail. I know that we can achieve a lot but failure is always inevitable, and it can all be taken away in an instant.

I am broken, and sometimes useless.

I think that this can be beautiful.

Especially as I see everyone around me in good relationships. I am happy but I am even more broken, desiring what I could argue I deserve. But the truth is I don’t, and the truth is I have so much, but sometimes I’m too busy trying not to admit my brokenness, that I miss out on the healing, the stillness, the wonder, and the love that will heal me.

I’m so prideful. C.S. Lewis said something in Mere Christianity about pride being the worst sin. We make it seem like sexual sin is the worst because it most visibly hurts the body, but truly pride is the root of it all. Pride is the denial of the need for help, and the pretense that we can be like God and figure it out on our own.

I don’t want to be prideful anymore.
I’m broken, and sometimes lonely, but I know what love is, and it can change everything.

poop: the real cause of the bird flu.

Today I got pooped on by a bird. The bird pooped on my head...or at least i think it was a bird because it looked the stuff of birds and it came from above.

When I touched my head to see if it was indeed poopy...the poopy was purple and it stained the skin on my hand purple.

I just really thought that was interesting.


Good thing it wasn't on my face...then I'd have purple spots all over my face.


In other news... I got a 50 on a case-assignment because i reviewed the wrong court case. Sucky. I don't want to fail a class.

AND if you haven't already heard, I'm having a mustache party tomorrow...and if you aren't Lana and don't live in Cali then you are most definitely invited.

Long time coming

Hello world,
So for some reason... I've just now created a blog on blogger.

I don't know why it's taken this long,
but I'm happy to have a place to pour out my writings, videos, pictures and whatever.

today I like trees.