Lose yourself completely

For me, it is so good, that it’s okay to not be okay.
I am so tired of being strong, and so tired of thinking patience and silence is a solution to a problem. I don’t think patience will fix anything, I think something may get better over time, but patience may not have been the key to the solution…. maybe nothing was the key, nothing but the time it took to bring them to a point of a desperate plea for change.

I’m holding on to one person, not Jesus, but a human, an imperfect, broken human. I gave Scott up for Him, for Jesus, so how can I think I will get away with putting someone before Him this time either.

I won’t settle.

I could, but I won’t. I’d rather be alone and free to serve my King, than in bondage to what the world thinks is fulfillment. And I know this, but that doesn’t change the expectation of good things. Several times a week, if not several times a day, I promise…”God, if you will fill me and satisfy me then I will be whole, even if I am called to be alone with you forever, that is enough for me as long as you give me You.”…but that doesn’t keep my heart from expecting, that doesn’t keep my mind from wondering, “who will be the one I’m blessed to serve the Lord with?”

This is craziness. This statement of fulfillment, but lack of action to back it up is insane. I’m not out running to every guy to test and see if he’s the one prepared for me, at least I don’t think…. But maybe that is exactly what I’m thinking.

I’m so tired of thinking…well he’s pretty great, and he has this or that, but he’s not quite there, so if it’s him, I guess I can just pray that God will make him stronger and then he’ll be right.

I’ve been hurt, but mostly I’ve been the one who hurts others before. I don’t know if you can say that I’m too strong, but I refuse to be mistreated, and I refuse to settle, and I refuse to think that imperfect love is what we’re meant for.

My savior, my rescuer, I trust Him, and that is why I won’t settle.

No one will ever be perfect; I will never be perfect…but I’m so done with waiting.

I want my prayers to be pure. I want to long for people to know God more, not so they can be with me, but so they can be whole, and need less of me or anyone else than ever before.

So, my cry once more, I’m sure I’ve cried this before, but we are a people who love to repeat history until we finally break the cycle.

My cry is that I will stop waiting, stop wasting time looking off at the horizon, be bare of expectation, and simply to >find all I need in the sun on my face,

and the love I can be taking in every moment, just because,

He loves me just because.

I was reading in this book last night, that brokenness, is healing. It said that openly broken people bring the ability for those around them to be broken, and to be weak and messed up.

So, I hope I can begin to be beautifully broken. I know that I am, but I try to fix myself up when I’m too broken, and I feel like things are fake if I’m not partially broken. But I just want to be what I am. I don’t know what that will look like moment by moment.

I know that I don’t have the answers… I had two or three long talks with people today where I was able to share the gospel in some way or another…and instead of fearfully trying to force my beliefs down someone’s throat so they wouldn’t go to Hell, I just thought, man it’s all in Your hands God. I prayed more for them when I left them, “God I know that you are real, so please give them a desire for truth and reveal yourself to them.” I am truly and beautifully incapable of doing anything to persuade people of His existence or love. Instead of trying to “save” them, I was able to remind my friends…that

we are all broken, and crazy, and weird, and seeking love like beggars for food.

I found that it was more important to just admit that great love does not come from human relationships, but human relationships are just a reflection of the one great love. I was able to say,… I really have no idea about plenty of things….I don’t know if ghosts or aliens are real, I don’t know what you need to do, I don’t know if giving money to African Children is the most important thing. I am ignorant, and I just don’t know. But I know love, I know what it is to experience peace and stillness in the midst of a world that is afraid to stop long enough to think, and I know we must seek the truth, and I know we must do what we can. I know that we will fail. I know that we can achieve a lot but failure is always inevitable, and it can all be taken away in an instant.

I am broken, and sometimes useless.

I think that this can be beautiful.

Especially as I see everyone around me in good relationships. I am happy but I am even more broken, desiring what I could argue I deserve. But the truth is I don’t, and the truth is I have so much, but sometimes I’m too busy trying not to admit my brokenness, that I miss out on the healing, the stillness, the wonder, and the love that will heal me.

I’m so prideful. C.S. Lewis said something in Mere Christianity about pride being the worst sin. We make it seem like sexual sin is the worst because it most visibly hurts the body, but truly pride is the root of it all. Pride is the denial of the need for help, and the pretense that we can be like God and figure it out on our own.

I don’t want to be prideful anymore.
I’m broken, and sometimes lonely, but I know what love is, and it can change everything.